It was a glimmery sunny day last Sunday, and I sat in the garden with my mug of tea, rereading The Ugly Duckling and enjoying some tortoise time. I have an ambivalent relationship with fairy tales - I can appreciate the history and language, but I often find the themes outdated and laboured. The Ugly Duckling however, has a cast of mostly animals, and that is somehow more palatable. And of course the themes of finding your space in the world, the hurt of being bullied and appearance discrimination are important and thought worthy contemplations for a sunny Sunday morning.
I was wanting to look beyond the obvious though, to see what else resonated with me. And guess what - one of the themes was around gratitude. The little "duck", having been rejected by family and community, having survived being shot at by hunters, and having been thankful that he was too ugly for a dog to bite and eat him, finds refuge from a storm in a cottage occupied by an old woman, a cat and a hen.
Sounds good doesn't it, to find a home after such a rough journey, even if he knew he was only being tolerated there for the possibility of his usefulness (alas, no eggs for the old woman, but she didn't know that). The cat, speaking to our hero who wanted to go for a swim, and who voiced the truth that the cat didn't understand him, tells the swan to "thank your good fortune that you have been received here....I advise you, therefore, to lay eggs, and learn to purr as quickly as possible."
Be grateful and conform.
Please don't misunderstand me - I absolutely believe in gratitude and am grateful daily for very many things. But I think it is a mistake to tell/hint to other people to show gratitude, because such an instruction comes fully loaded with oppression, submissiveness and judgement. Telling someone to be grateful for what they have often implies that they shouldn't expect more, and are indeed lucky to be in the situation they are in. But what if they don't feel lucky? What if they want more? What if conformity is damaging to them?
Gratitude is strictly personal. Anyone imposing it on you may have an ulterior motive, and it is an easy trap to fall into. Because if you don't show the gratitude expected of you, the trapdoor of guilt is right there waiting for you to fall into. Sometimes the negative voices telling us to be grateful and conform are not from society at large, or even people in your inner circle. Sometimes it is your internal voice betraying you. If the sentiment comes out as "I should feel grateful, but....." take a step back from that guilt trapdoor, and ask whose voice you are listening to. If you do feel grateful then skip right along and enjoy the bounty of your gratefulness.
The Ugly Duckling found the strength to leave warmth and safety of the cottage to follow his instinct that better things were out there. It wasn't easy, and he had a rough winter, almost freezing to death, facing more rejection and much self loathing.
But, as we all know, it ends well with him finding his place and happiness.
The fable makes me uneasy to be honest. A lot of it centres around others' reactions to the poor little outcast, and even in the end, the duckling is only happy when he finds acceptance in community of lookalikes. I often find myself on the outskirts of groups - sometimes by choice, but not always, and I wonder if I were to look into that reflective pond as the Ugly duckling did, would I like what I saw as much as he did?
