Heartbeat

 I found myself squelching through a Bad Mood last week.  The snappy, irritable type that makes me replace my usual sunny disposition with a cynical and cavalier dismissal of everything as  too much to deal with.  Sort of Tigger and Eeyore rolled into one.  I can't be much fun to live with when I am like this.  It's an annual thing, and predictable, so I can brace myself and my loved ones and ask for patience and forgiveness.

It was my birthday.  I find the week leading up to my birthday one of the most stressful of the year.  I am an oddball, I know, but that's the truth. I sometimes sit and puzzle the whys and prevention techniques, but this year - pandemic round 2- I just gave into it and became the family crocodile.  It is not about getting older (I don't think) - I am pragmatic about what can be controlled and what can't.  And it is not about not being celebrated - my husband and children are kind, thoughtful and lavish in their celebrations.  Nope - it is about me, and where I place myself in the world. Am I alone here?  Am I the only person who finds it difficult to celebrate my own life from the inside? 

This birthday was on a Sunday, and it was splendid.  We packed a picnic and headed to Kirstenbosch botanical gardens and lazed under a tree in the safety of fresh air and no one sitting nearby.  We gazed over Cape Town, ate sumptuously, and discussed the philosophy of being.  I was warmed by the afternoon sun, and the company of people I love.  

It got me to thinking that maybe next year I can end April in a chipper mood, and not worry so much about my birthday.  Perhaps it will be possible to break what may just be a habit of dread.  It got me thinking that, although my life is a little one, I have achieved greatness by being surrounded by wonderful beings and loving them deeply. Perhaps that is all there is to it:  Having a heartbeat and listening to myself being alive.

I will check in with you next year and let you know......